Sorry, Wrong Answer
by Red Witch
Summary: Archer and Lana have another argument about their relationship, much to the enjoyment of half of the Figgis Agency. The other half doesn't really care.


**The answer to where I put the disclaimer that I don't own any Archer characters is in Detroit! No? Boston? No? Las Vegas? Oh well…If you think that this latest fic I came up with is full of meaning, well…**

 **Sorry, Wrong Answer**

"God I hate the TV channels out here," Cheryl whined as she sat with Ray and Pam eating in the break room. "There's nothing good on to watch during the day while we're at work. Cyril should totally spring for cable."

"Archer come back here!" Lana followed Archer into the break room. "You have a lot to explain mister!"

"Can I have a drink first?" Archer asked as he got a drink of scotch from the refrigerator.

"When do you **not** have a drink first?" Lana barked. "Or second? Or third? Or **fourth?** "

"You're still mad that I'm not coming over tonight aren't you?" Archer groaned as he poured himself some scotch.

"Bingo!" Lana snapped. "I can't wait to hear this excuse!"

"Well wait a minute longer…" Archer held up his finger as he took a drink.

"Who needs cable?" Ray asked. "We've got all the entertainment we need **right here."**

"So why are you breaking your date with me **this time**?" Lana asked Archer angrily. "What? Are you doing **another** illegal gun running scheme for your mother?"

"You don't have to say illegal," Archer corrected. "Gun running implies that so that's kind of redundant."

"As is all these stupid excuses you've been giving me on why you can't come over!" Lana snapped.

"This isn't a stupid excuse," Archer said. "This is an actual **legitimate** excuse!"

"Which is…?"

"I have a case," Archer said smugly.

"Of what?" Lana asked. "Scotch?"

"No," Archer said. "I have to do a background check. There's this woman, Mildred Pierce. She's covering for her daughter who may have killed her lover. Mildred Pierce's lover. And the daughter was sleeping with him on the side."

"Really?" Lana folded her arms. "And let me guess, this Mildred Pierce runs a successful chain of restaurants?"

"Why yes!" Archer said.

"And she opened them after her first husband divorced her?" Lana glared at Archer. "And she had a younger daughter who died? Who was the good one? Unlike the spoiled ungrateful brat, which she's protecting?"

"You saw the movie didn't you?" Archer winced.

"And the remake," Lana growled. "Ironically during one of our dates the **first time** we went out!"

"Oh…" Archer winced. He took another drink of scotch.

"No surprise you didn't remember that," Lana said. "You were too busy trying to get the phone number of that blond bimbo at the concession stand half the night!"

"I actually did get the phone number," Archer said. "After we…uh…You know what? That's not important."

"So why are you ditching me?" Lana glared at Archer. "Archer you haven't been with your daughter in over a week. And to top it off you and I haven't…Been connecting for a while."

"And by connecting she means boning," Pam spoke up. "Screwing. Doing the dirty…"

"Bow chick a wow-wow," Ray chirped. "Chicka wow-wow!"

" _Thank you_ Lana," Archer said sarcastically. "For telling our private life to the idiots!"

"Yeah Thanks!" Cheryl cheered.

"It's not like we didn't already know," Pam added. "That broom closet has been rather quiet lately."

"So how long has this dry streak been going on?" Cheryl asked.

"None of your damn business!" Lana and Archer snapped.

" **That** long huh?" Cheryl remarked. "Yikes…"

"Look I do have a case," Archer said. "But I'm not supposed to talk about it."

"I've heard **that** before!" Lana folded her arms. "Spill."

"Okay fine," Archer sighed as he put his drink on the table. "There's this down on his luck screenwriter who hasn't had a hit since the war. And he's suspected of murder."

"That's the plot from _In A Lonely Place_ ," Lana snapped. "Which is where **you're** going to be if you don't stop dicking around."

"There's this wealthy retired general who wants to resolve some gambling debts his daughter has…" Archer went on.

"That's the start of _The Big Sleep_!" Lana glared at him.

Archer gulped. "There's this ruthless head of a gambling ring but he has to masquerade as a taxi driver to fool his parole officer…"

"That's _Johnny Eager!"_ Lana shouted.

"A scientist who was murdered by Nazis for his formula to turn cheese into bombs?" Archer tried again.

"THAT'S _DEAD MEN DON'T WEAR PLAID_!" Lana shouted.

"Wow we really do watch a lot of movies around here," Archer winced.

"Tell. The. Truth," Lana glared. "Or do I have to **make** you?"

"Do you want to tell her about the trivia tournament at Pita Margaritas or should I?" Pam spoke up.

"PAM!" Archer shouted.

"A trivia tournament at **a bar?"** Lana shouted. "You're ditching me for a stupid bar trivia tournament?"

"It's not stupid," Pam said. "The first prize is five thousand dollars! And everyone who enters gets two free rounds of beer and all the hot wings you can eat!"

"What?" Archer asked as Lana gave him a look. "I like hot wings!"

"Do you mind?" Archer snapped.

"Not at all," Pam said. "Keep going."

"I mean do you mind not listening in on our private conversation?" Archer barked.

"Do you mind not shouting your _private conversation_ in the middle of the damn break room?" Ray gave him a look. "Where **everyone** can hear it?"

"Not everyone!" Archer snapped.

"Yeah pretty much everyone," Krieger's muffled voice was heard.

"What the…?" Archer looked around but didn't see Krieger.

"Turns out Krieger can pretty much hear everything in this room in his lab," Ray explained.

"The acoustics are **great!** " Krieger was heard shouting.

Archer let out an exasperated breath. "Well fine. You guys and Krieger. But Mother can't hear us in here and…"

"I can hear **enough**!" Mallory was heard shouting. "I just don't care!"

"She can hear stuff in this room through the vents too if you stand in a certain place in her office," Cheryl explained.

"I'm not even standing in that spot," Mallory was heard again. "Sterling and Lana aren't exactly using their indoor voices."

"Do they even **have** indoor voices?" Cheryl blinked. "I'm seriously asking."

"Okay so Krieger and Mother can hear us…" Archer groaned.

"And me!" Mitsuko was heard.

"And Krieger's hologram girlfriend," Archer sighed.

Milton rolled by. "And Milton," Archer said. "But Cyril can't hear us in his office."

"True," Pam said. "That's why he's hiding behind the door listening in."

"God damn it!" Archer snapped.

"Cyril!" Lana snapped.

"Hello…" Cyril appeared waving weakly.

"Okay so everyone knows that Archer once again is trying to duck out of visiting his daughter," Lana snapped.

"Sounds more like he's just trying to duck out of having sex with you," Cheryl spoke up.

"Carol!" Archer shouted.

"I call 'em as I hear 'em!" Cheryl snapped.

"I am **not** …" Archer let out an exasperated gasp. "Lana it's five thousand dollars! That's one grand for each player on the team. Since we haven't been doing that great lately money wise I figured this was a way to make money."

"Wait a thousand each?" Lana asked. "If I'm on the team we could make two thousand."

"Uhhhh…." Archer rolled his eyes. "That's reason I didn't want to tell you. We already have five people on the team."

"What?" Lana asked.

"I'm team Captain," Archer said. "Cyril knows all kinds of boring useless facts so he's in. Ray knows all kinds of entertainment stuff, so he's in. Krieger knows science stuff so he's in. Pam knows entertainment and car stuff so she's in."

"And I'm the alternate," Cheryl said.

"Why does **she** get to be the alternate?" Lana snapped. "Why not me?"

"No offense Lana," Archer said. "When it comes to basic trivia, you're not that great."

"I dunno," Ray remarked. "Sounds like she wouldn't be too bad when it comes to movie trivia."

"Archer you promised me things would be different this time," Lana said. "You're spending less and less time with me and AJ. You're drinking at bars again…"

" _Again?"_ Pam spoke up.

"That would imply Archer stopped drinking in the **first place** ," Ray added.

"You know what I mean!" Lana barked.

"Not really," Cheryl said.

"Lana I am doing this for us," Archer said. "The money would really come in handy. Trust me on this."

"Well…" Lana sighed.

"Did I mention there's also a Veronica Deane category in this contest?" Pam smirked.

"GOD DAMN IT PAM!" Archer shouted.

"WHAT?" Lana shouted.

"Apparently since the clown hostage incident her profile has gone up a lot," Pam shrugged. "People are interested in her again."

"I KNEW IT!" Lana shouted. "I **KNEW** YOU HAD AN ULTERIOR MOTIVE!"

"Well duh!" Ray rolled his eyes.

"Ray…" Archer glared at him.

"OH GOD STERLING!" Mallory was heard shouting. "I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!"

"I don't know why you're surprised," Krieger was heard. "Why do you think Archer talked us all into signing up in the first place?"

"SHUT UP!" Archer shouted.

"I'm going to a bar!" Mallory grumbled. "I'm sick of this drama. Lana go beat some sense into him. Failing that, just beat him. I don't care."

"Good idea," Lana glared at Archer.

"Okay fine! I know it sounds bad…" Archer said. "Let me explain…"

"I gotta hear this one," Ray said.

"Yes Archer," Lana growled. "Explain your _obsession_ with Veronica Deane. Oh wait, it's pretty self-explanatory."

"Not this again! I don't have mother issues!" Archer barked.

"Oh please!" Lana snapped. "The only symptom you haven't shown is calling out your mother's name during sex!"

"I don't do that!" Archer snapped. "With you."

"Huh," Cheryl remarked. "That explains that one time…"

"CAROL!" Archer shouted.

Archer turned back to Lana. "Look. I really am doing this for the money this time. I just didn't tell you about the Veronica Deane thing because I knew you'd overreact."

" _Overreact?"_ Lana asked incredulously. "To my boyfriend and the father of my child refusing to spend time with either of us due to his fantasy crush?"

"We had a moment!" Archer snapped. "She did kiss me."

"Way to bring **that up** Archer," Ray groaned.

"I still don't believe that!" Lana snapped. "I think **you** kissed **her!** To make me jealous as well as fulfilling your sick desire to bang every woman you see!"

"Well you're not wrong there," Cyril snorted.

"Cyril!" Archer snapped.

"What is **wrong** with you?" Lana snapped at Archer. "What is wrong with having a quiet night at home?"

"Because it's boring okay!" Archer snapped. "I admit it was kind of fun in the beginning but now…"

"Now you're **bored?"** Lana was stunned. "How can you be bored spending time with us?"

"No offense Lana," Archer said. "Our dates aren't as fun as they used to be. I mean you won't even bring AJ to a bar."

"Oh God…" Ray groaned.

"Oh yeah," Cyril grinned, clearly enjoying where this was going.

"We just stay home," Archer said. "Watch some dumb movie which half the time we don't even see half of it because AJ needs to be changed or fed or something else happens. And honestly you making me change her diapers isn't a turn on."

"It never is," Cheryl groaned.

"More often than not we don't even have sex anyway!" Archer protested. "Either you're too tired. Or the kid interrupts us and then I get too tired waiting for you!"

"Archer," Lana said. "Relationships can't always be about sex and passion. This is the phase where the real stuff gets in. And it can be good…"

"When does **that** happen Lana?" Archer snapped. "I don't think you realize…"

"Archer I don't think **you realize** …" Ray warned.

"No, let Archer talk!" Cyril interrupted. "Go ahead Archer. Tell her how you **really** feel!"

"No!" Ray and Pam said.

"But honesty is the best policy," Cyril went on. "How can Lana expect honesty if she doesn't give Archer a chance to be honest?"

" **Thank you** Cyril!" Archer snapped. "And you're right."

"No, he's **not!** " Ray snapped.

"Danger Zone Archer!" Krieger was heard. "Danger Zone!"

"Oh this is gonna be good," Cheryl giggled.

"Lana I'm Sterling Archer," Archer said. "The world's greatest former secret agent. Not to mention one of the greatest party guys of all time. I can't just spend all my time around you and the kid. Don't get me wrong, AJ is great. But I need my awesome time."

"Your awesome time," Lana said simply. " _Awesome time_?"

"I can see you're confused," Archer said.

"Enlighten me," Lana told him.

"Lana I have a reputation to uphold," Archer began.

Pam began to say something. "No comments from the Idiot Gallery!" Archer snapped.

"Damn," Pam frowned. "I had something good for that."

"Me too," Krieger was heard.

Archer tried again. "Lana my exploits have become so legendary both on and off the field that I have to uphold the bar which I have risen. The standards of my life have become quite a burden. I mean do you think it's easy to be me?"

"I'm guessing the answer is **no** ," Lana said sarcastically.

"Lana I am the man who practically invented at least five different kinds of drinks," Archer told her. "Three new sexual positions…"

"Four new strains of venereal diseases," Ray added.

"I said **quiet!** " Archer snapped at him. He turned his attention back to Lana. "Lana I am the man who threw a party on the top of Eiffel Tower. And don't mean that little viewing area on top. I mean actually taking two French women, a sommelier and a monkey by using a harness and climbing to the top of the Eiffel Tower."

"Yeah I remember reading the arrest report," Lana said.

"I have been to insane parties," Archer went on. "Slept with princesses, duchesses, double agents, triple agents…You name it."

"Your words," Ray said.

"Again…" Archer glared at Ray. "Not helping!"

Archer looked at Lana. "It's not like I'm somebody like Cyril. Who never had much of a life in the first place. If he just stays at home with the girlfriend and kid it doesn't matter. He never had much of a shot to begin with. So of course he's going to be the guy that just stays around the house. That's pretty much all he can do."

"Interesting example," Cyril said. "Go on."

"But Lana I'm Sterling Archer," Archer said. "I have a responsibility to everyone…to the world, to just keep being awesome. And being awesome means I have to go out every now and then and party. That's just the price of being me."

"Let me see if I get the gist of your explanation," Lana said calmly. "You can't stay home and be with your family because you are Sterling Archer and your dick is your gift to the world? That you have to party?"

"Pretty much yes," Archer said.

"I see what you're saying," Lana sighed.

"You **do?"** Cyril blinked.

"Yes she does Cyril," Archer nodded. "You see my point right?"

"Oh I see your side of things all right," Lana said.

"I knew you would," Archer grinned.

"I however have a rebuttal argument," Lana said.

And with a swift movement she punched Archer in the crotch. He went down faster than the ratings of a failed sitcom.

"Owwwwwww…" Archer whined in a high pitched voice as he lay on the floor, curled up in fetal position in agony.

"You like trivia Archer?" Lana asked. "Here's a trivia question for you: What is Sterling Archer **not** going to be doing for the **next week**?"

"Ooh! Ooh!" Pam raised her hand. "I know this one! I know this one!"

"Me too! Me too!" Ray raised his hand.

"Me! Me! ME!" Cyril raised his hand happily.

"Yes, Pam Horshack," Lana said. "Go ahead."

"Is it putting his dick anywhere **near** your vagina?" Pam asked. "Or near anyone else's?"

"That is correct," Lana glared at Archer. "I can't believe you tried to pull that 'I am the greatest man alive' load of crap on me! More like the greatest **asshole** alive!"

"Oohhhh…" Archer moaned in agony.

"Let me tell you something Sterling _Mallory_ Archer," Lana snapped. "Until you decide to **behave** like an adult we are not going to do **anything** adult for a long time! CAPICE?"

"Yes…" Archer groaned.

"When and **if** you decide to man up I will be home tonight waiting for your apology!" Lana snapped. She turned around and walked away.

"Oh my God!" Pam laughed. "That was priceless! Krieger! You missed it! Lana just slammed Archer in the balls!"

"I know," Krieger was heard. "My video cameras recorded the whole thing."

"Can I get a copy of that?" Cyril asked. "I'll give you twenty bucks for it!"

"Sold," Krieger said.

"I'll pay for a copy too," Cheryl said.

"Me too," Ray said.

"Me three," Pam admitted.

"Owwww…" Archer groaned in pain where he lay. "Why does she always hit me **there?"**

"Because that is where your **brain** is," Ray said. "Since you think with it so much!"

"Did I or did I not say Danger Zone?" Krieger groaned.

"You did," Cyril grinned. "You clearly did. And now I'm going to a bar. I just feel like oh…Being happy. Tah!"

"Remind me to beat his ass later…" Archer groaned as Cyril started to leave the room. "Ow…"

"The fact Cyril was telling you to be honest wasn't a clue?" Pam snapped. "Dicknuts!"

"In hindsight that was a huge red flag," Archer winced in pain. "I should have known she wouldn't have gotten it."

"No, but you did **get it,"** Cyril grinned. "Oh I think it's time for us to shut down so we can get to the Trivia Contest. Since Archer is incapacitated I will take over as Captain and Cheryl you get to be the alternate."

"YAYYY!" Cheryl cheered. "I'm participating because Archer's incapacitated!"

"So let's all go," Cyril said as they got ready to leave. "Archer you can lock up right?"

"Owwww…." Archer moaned as they all left. "I'm really starting to think moving to LA was not a good idea."

Just then Milton rolled up to him. And popped out some toast. "Oh shut up Milton," Archer groaned.


End file.
